What Mattered Most
by trace619
Summary: Olivia has come home to a surprise. As she thinks about hers and Alex's life she comes to a realization, but it may be to late. Three-shot. Established A/O. Takes place in season 13. Song fic based on the song What Mattered Most.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this one won't have as much happiness or fluff as I usually write. I'm planning for this to be a three shot, but who knows. This takes place in season 13. Alex did go into witness protection but returned in season 6, she and Olivia got together about a year later. I own nothing but my own characters. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy. **

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Numb. That was the only way Olivia could describe how she was feeling. She stood in the entryway of their apartment staring at the door. As the minutes continued to pass she was beginning to realize that Alex was serious, she really had left. She began pacing the living room thinking about what had just happened and how they had gotten there. The longer she thought the more she realized that Alex was right, it was all her fault. She collapsed on the sofa as she flashed back to the fight that had just occurred.

_Olivia walks into the apartment absolutely exhausted. She had just spent the last week chasing a murdering rapist around the city before finally catching him that afternoon. In the past week she had only been home a couple hours at a time, and she hadn't been home at all in the last three days. _

_As she walks through the apartment all she could think about is taking a hot shower and crawling into bed. She stops in her tracks when she sees Alex's suitcase laying open on the bed and the blonde pulling clothes from the closet. "Alex? What are you doing?"_

_Alex stepped from the walk in closet and gave the brunette an incredulous look "It should be obvious." When Olivia didn't respond Alex huffed as she took more clothes from the closet and put them into her suitcase "I'm leaving Olivia. I can't do this anymore."_

_Olivia feels as if she's just taken a sucker punch to the stomach. She quickly makes her way over to Alex and places a hand on her arm to stop her but Alex jerks away. Alex struggles to keep her tears at bay. She wants nothing more than to break down and cry but she's done enough of that lately. She grabs another arm full of clothes and throws them in her suitcase. After closing it she grabs it along with her purse and her dress bag with several of her suits for work. Alex leaves a stunned Olivia standing in their bedroom. _

_It kicks in that Alex is about to leave and Olivia takes off running out of the bedroom "Alex!" she calls out stopping the blonde at the door. Her heart breaks at the look of pain and sadness on her partner's face "Why? Why are you leaving?"_

_Alex sighs "Olivia I told you, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep sitting in this apartment alone." she could see Olivia was about to speak but she cut her off. "I know that sometimes your job keeps you late or away. Mine does too at times. What I'm talking about is how I don't matter to you anymore."_

"_You matter to me Alex! You always have." Olivia pleaded._

"_I wish I could believe that." she took a deep breath and swallowed before speaking "I'll come back later for the rest of my things. I'll make sure it's during the day when you're not here." She turned toward the door, hoping to get out before completely losing it._

"_Where are you going?" Olivia whispered._

_Alex shook her head "I think for now it's best that you don't know that. Just know that I'll be safe."_

"_Please don't." Olivia pleaded as she felt a lone tear begin to slide down her cheek._

_Alex looked at her one last time "I have too. I will always love you Olivia." And with those final words Alex left the apartment._

Olivia sat on the sofa as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. She went back and forth between replaying the last few minutes to replaying the last few months trying to figure out how it had all went wrong. They have been together for just over six years, having started dating about a year after Alex returned from Witness Protection. She knew there were times through the years that their careers had interfered with their relationship but they always found a way to make it work. She couldn't believe that she had missed the all the signs of Alex being unhappy or wanting to leave.

She leaned back and rested her head on the sofa as she thought about how well she knew the blonde. She knew her favorite book was To Kill a Mockingbird. Her favorite car was a '65 Mustang, which was Olivia's favorite car as well. They loved taking weekend road trips in that car. Her favorite clothes were designer suits for work but she was happiest at home in pajama or yoga pants, Olivia's shirts or sweats. Her favorite song is In My Life, she remembered the blonde telling her that it became even more special after they became a couple because it reminded her of them.

She thought about Alex's piercing blue eyes, the eyes that Olivia thought could see directly into her soul. She loved her long blonde hair, it always relaxed her to run her fingers through it at night as the lay in bed. Her thoughts then turned to Alex's family. Her mom died while she was away in the program, even to this day it killed the blonde that she was unable to attend her mom's funeral. Her dad was still alive and lived in a brownstone on The Upper East side, and her younger sister lived on Long Island with her family. When Alex was two they had moved to Texas and they stayed there until Alex graduated from high school. Her family spent time throughout the year in the city with her grandparents and Alex knew when she graduated from law school that she wanted to live in Manhattan.

As Olivia thought about all the little things she knew about Alex it suddenly dawned on her that she had missed what had mattered most. She knew that Alex hadn't been herself in the past few months that she hadn't been as happy but she didn't take time to ask what was wrong or try to cheer her up. She remembered coming in late one night. As she crawled into bed she was pretty sure Alex was crying but instead of asking if she was okay, Olivia simply draped her arm across the younger woman and went to sleep.

Then there was the day when Alex commented on how great it was that same sex couples were allowed to marry in New York. Olivia agreed with her but that was as far as it went, even though Olivia wanted nothing more than to spend her life with Alex. Alex had also mentioned having a family. While Olivia wanted a family she had said that with their careers it probably wasn't the best time. She said they would know when the time was right.

The wheels in her mind were now turning at a frantic pace. Waves of emotion began crashing over her as the realization sank in that Alex was right, she no longer showed Alex that she cared or that she mattered. She leaned forward as she struggled to stop the nauseous feeling that was threatening to overcome her. Olivia gasped for air as she dropped her head into her hands and sobbed "Oh my God, what did I do?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, favorites and follows, I do appreciate it. This started out as a two/three shot but it's looking like it will end up being four chapters. The next chapter is completed I just need to review it a bit, so it should be up in the next few days. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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It had been a week since Alex had left. One miserable, hellish week in Olivia's opinion. She had tried repeatedly to talk to Alex but was unsuccessful. She had left numerous voicemails on Alex's phone but each one had gone unanswered. She had tried calling her at work and had stopped by her office but each time was told Alex was unavailable or out of the office. The only thing she was holding onto was the fact that Alex had yet to come back and take the rest of her things. Of course she knew that Alex had been tied up in court that week, and figured that was why she hadn't completely moved out.

Two days after she left Olivia found out that Alex had spent the first two nights at her sister's house but had come back into the city to be close to work and was now staying with her father. She only knew this because she had received a heated phone call from Alex's younger sister Lori. Olivia had always gotten along well with the younger Cabot and thought she was the quieter of the sisters. After that phone call Olivia thanked God it didn't happen in person. She remained quiet while Lori told her how she held Alex all night as she cried over the brunette, how she had listened to her cry for months. She informed Olivia that she told Alex it was time to move on. Olivia also had no idea the young woman could curse like she did. She called Olivia every name in the book, and Olivia couldn't help but agree with her. She informed Lori that she really was sorry and asked her to tell Alex that, but she was pretty sure the message was not relayed.

While she had went to work every day she spent her evenings at home getting better acquainted with the different wines they had, within the week she had successfully emptied every bottle they owned. She would call Alex and plead with her voicemail to come home then start on a bottle.

When it came to work she knew the others could tell something was going on but no one was brave enough to ask. When Munch mentioned that Alex hadn't been by in a few days she nearly lost it but held it together just long enough to make it to the restroom. The longer the week went on the worse her mood became. Finally on Thursday Fin, the only one with enough nerve to call her out, asked her why she had been so bitchy all week. She decided there was no reason to subject her coworkers to her mood and called and took a personal day on Friday.

It was now Saturday afternoon, and after waking up with the worst hang over she'd had in years, Olivia had finally worked up the courage to go see Alex in person. She was prepared to sit on the steps all day if that is what it took for Alex to finally let her in.

As she stood at the door of Robert Cabot's Upper East Side brownstone Olivia could feel her nerves kicking in. She ran her hands along her jeans one last time to dry them before knocking. When Robert opened the door Olivia felt more nervous than she did the first time she met the man. Robert was in his early sixties but to look at him you wouldn't believe it. Olivia had met Alex's mother once before she entered the program and knew that the blonde looked like her mother, but she looked like her father as well. Robert had the same piercing blue eyes as Alex, and it broke Olivia's heart to look at them.

"Hello Robert."

"Olivia." his tone and body language left no doubt that he was not happy with the brunette.

Olivia shifted nervously but did her best to look him in the eye "Is Alex home?" Home, it didn't feel right saying that about anywhere but their apartment.

"I'm afraid not, she's out looking at apartments right now."

At those words Olivia thought for sure she was going to be sick. Alex really was serious about leaving. Olivia had known she had a lot of work to do to repair the damage she had done but now she knew time was critical. She had to prove to Alex how much she truly cared for her. She turned to leave, only asking that he tell Alex she had been there. She was surprised though when Robert stopped her and asked her to come in.

Once sitting in the living room Olivia was growing more nervous at what he was going to say. No matter how much it might hurt she knew she deserved everything she received.

"You hurt my little girl." Robert said in a serious tone.

"Yes sir I did." Olivia said in a defeated voice.

Robert leaned forward sighed before speaking "I think the only time I have seen her more upset than she has been this week was when she returned from the program and visited her mother's grave. Olivia you swore you would never hurt her, and yet you did. What I want to know is why. Why did you hurt her like you did?"

Olivia bit her bottom lip as she struggled not to cry. "I don't know why I did it. I know that's no excuse but I can't even explain it to myself." She took a deep breath as she looked him in the eye "What I do know is that I've made a terrible mistake and I am willing to do anything to get her back."

The older man shook his head "That's easier said than done Olivia." he watched as her face fell even more, if that was possible. "Olivia I could be wrong but I think Alex still loves you, and that she always will. She does however seem intent on moving on with her life."

Olivia nods sadly and gets up to leave. She is walking toward the door when he stops her again.

"Olivia I have always liked you and I think that you and Alex are good together, but I won't stand by and watch her be hurt again." he placed his hand on her shoulder "If you are serious about getting her back then you need to prove to her that you love her and that she matters to you."

Olivia nods "I'll do anything."

He tilts his head "If she asks my opinion though I'll be honest with her, that you are good together but if she's not happy then she needs to move on."

Olivia nods sadly as she thanks him and asks that he tell Alex she had stopped by. As she turns to the door she freezes as Alex walks in. Olivia feels her heart seize at how much she loves the blonde, but at the same time she hates herself for the look of pain in Alex's eyes knowing she's the one who put it there.

It's the first time they've seen each other in a week and Alex feels all the pain again she felt the night she walked out the door. As bad as she feels though she can't help but feel the love she has for the brunette.

"How…how are you doing?" Olivia stumbled out.

"Okay." Alex whispered. "Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded but both knew they were lying. Alex wouldn't admit it, at least not right now, but all week she's been terrified something would happen to Olivia and she would have to live with the fact that the last time they saw each other it had ended in a fight.

Olivia stepped closer "Alex can we talk?"

Alex shook her head "No."

"Please Alex."

Alex is about to say no again but she catches sight of her dad, the look on his face says that maybe she should listen to what she has to say. She quickly looks away though. "Olivia I only have a few minutes. I stopped to get a quick bite before I go see another apartment." She can tell the remark hurt based on the look on Olivia's face.

"If you two want to have some privacy to talk I have tickets to the playoff game tonight." He smiles trying to lighten the mood "I have to support my Yankees."

Alex is more than a little ticked that her dad is interfering but at the same time she knows they need to talk and get everything out in the open. Whether they stay together or not depends on that conversation. She runs her fingers through her hair and sighs in frustration. "Fine. Be back here at six." She looks the brunette square in the eye "If you're not here at six don't ever bother coming back."

Olivia nodded, trying to keep from getting her hopes up "I'll be here at six." She tells Alex and Robert goodbye then hurries out the door. It's her weekend off but she knows how quickly that can change, and she's not about to blow this chance. She places a quick call to Amanda and asks if she would cover for her if there's a call out. The young detective had known something had been bothering her all week and told her she would cover.

Olivia spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what she was going to say. She was pacing the living room when her eyes landed on one of the pictures on the wall. It was from two summers ago when they had spent a couple weeks in Italy. She noticed how happy and in love they looked, she couldn't help but wonder how she had let it them get to the point they were at. When she noticed the time she hurried and changed, she wanted to leave early so as not to risk being late. On the cab ride to Robert's Olivia promised herself that she's not going to leave until Alex knows that she regrets how she has treated her and how sorry she truly is. She wants Alex to know that all she wants is to spend the rest of her life with her.

Alex nervously watched the clock waiting to see if Olivia returns. She tries to cement the wall she'd built around her heart in the past week. She's not going to give in, Olivia hurt her once she'll do it again. She decides that she'll let Olivia have her say then she'll tell her that she can't continue to live like this and she will get her things out as soon as possible. She sits down in the chair and picks up a paper from one of the apartments she looked at that day. She really liked this one as well as the neighborhood it was in, but found she couldn't see herself there without Olivia. Alex threw the paper on the coffee table and quickly pushed the thoughts from her mind.

Alex took a deep breath when she heard the doorbell ring, five till six, she knew Olivia would be early. As she walked into the hallway a picture sitting on the table caught her eye. It was taken the previous Christmas at her sister's house. She could feel tears welling up at the amount of love and happiness that was evident in the picture. She wished desperately they could go back to that day.

After allowing Olivia in they both go back to the living room and sit down, Alex in the chair and Olivia across from her on the sofa. Both were nervous and not sure what to say or do. Never in all the time they'd been together did they think they would be nervous around one another. Olivia looked at Alex, it was obvious the pain she was feeling. She mentally berated herself again for what she had done. Alex could see the hurt in Olivia's eyes along with the dark circles underneath them. It was evident the brunette hadn't been sleeping, part of her was happy that Olivia was suffering but at the same time she hated to see her in pain.

After a long, awkward silence Alex decided to speak. "If you want to keep the apartment that's fine with me. I'll go ahead and help with this month's rent and utilities since the month is half over. If you don't want to stay there I'll pay half the cost of breaking the lease early."

Olivia can't hold back any longer and bursts into tears "Please no Alex. I'm so sorry for what I've done. I'll do anything!"

"Maybe you should've thought of that sooner." Alex replies in a hurtful tone. While she didn't intend for it to come out that way part of her wanted Olivia to feel as badly as she has felt.

Olivia slid forward in her chair as she prepared to pour her heart out. "Alex I am so sorry. I know that's little consolation now but you will never know how sorry I am for what I've done. Looking back I can now see that something was wrong but I was to blind and stupid to notice. This is all my fault Alex. I have never loved anyone the way I love you and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone other than you." she stopped for a moment to catch her breath.

Alex quickly wiped her tears, angry that she'd allowed herself to show this much emotion. As upset as she is with herself she feels her heart break again as she watches Olivia cry. She is also happy to hear Olivia say it is her fault, but deep down Alex knows she can't allow her to take all the blame. "Olivia it's not all your fault. I knew how I was feeling and I could've said something."

Olivia looked surprised. "No Alex none of this is your fault. It is my job to know when something is wrong and I should've done something about it. I should've asked what was wrong, or more importantly I should've realized what I was doing and corrected it." she gets up and walks over and drops to her knees next to the younger woman. "Alex I want a life with you. Please, please come back to me. I promise things will be different this time."

Alex is shocked by what just happened. Olivia is on her knees begging her forgiveness and for her to come back, Olivia doesn't beg. "How can you say that for sure? How do I know your job won't come between us?" she knew it wasn't just the job but it was a huge factor.

"Because I won't allow it." she reached for her purse and pulled an envelope out "This is my resignation letter."

Alex's eyes widened in surprise. Olivia was willing to leave the force for her. She was about to speak but was cut off.

"I am ready to leave here and go straight to the precinct and leave it on Cragen's desk." She took a deep breath. "I'm serious Alex. I will do anything in the world to have you back with me."

The honest and sincere look in Olivia's eyes had shot straight to her heart, her broken heart. She stood and walked to the door, Olivia reluctantly following.

Olivia is growing more scared with each passing moment that Alex doesn't say anything. She gently placed a hand on Alex's arm "Alex, please say something."

Alex turned to look her in the eye "Olivia I love you, and I always will but I can't do this. I can't allow my heart to be broken again like this. I…I just can't do this."

Olivia felt the last few pieces of her heart shatter. Part of her was telling her she needed to fight, but another part said that if this is what will make Alex happy then she'll do it. She wipes the tears from her eyes as she nods in understanding. "I hope you'll be happy, that's all I've ever wanted for you." she placed a gentle kiss to Alex's cheek "I will never stop loving you Alex." And with that she walked out the door.

Alex leaned against the wall and slid to the floor as the tears flowed freely. Something told her she should go after Olivia but she just couldn't make herself go. Her heart had never been broken like it was now, and she refused to ever let it happen again.

Olivia made it three blocks before she had to stop. Her lungs were burning from crying as well as the cool evening air. She thought for sure Alex would give her a second chance. She watches as a car comes down the street, silently hoping it would jump the curb and hit her. If she didn't have Alex nothing mattered anymore, her only reason for living was gone. Not wanting to take the subway and have to deal with the looks and stares she stepped out into the street and hailed a cab. As the cab pulled up she reached out and opened the door but was taken by surprise when a hand reached out and slammed it shut. Olivia looked up in surprise "Alex?"

Olivia stepped back from the cab and motioned the driver to go. The pair stood there on the sidewalk staring at one another. "I really am sorry." Olivia whispers.

"So am I."

After another long period of silence Olivia spoke up "Can I call you later, maybe tomorrow?"

Alex nodded, a small smile spreading across her face "I'd like that."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: As always thank you for the favs, follows and reviews. I finished this chapter a few days ago but felt it was missing something. I heard the song I took the title from on my way home from work today, which inspired me to add to it a bit. Some of you have asked what caused the breakdown in communication between them, I elaborate a bit on that in this chapter. There will be one more chapter after this one. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Sunday morning began with Olivia lying awake in bed as the sun came up, just like she had every morning since Alex left. This morning however felt different, she could actually have a chance at repairing her relationship. She rolled onto her side and looked at the picture of her and Alex that sat on her bedside table. She pulled Alex's t-shirt close and inhaled the blonde's scent and struggled to hold back the tears. When she finally climbed into bed the night Alex had left she discovered the blonde had left the shirt she had slept in the night before. Olivia had slept with that shirt every night since.

Olivia got up and took a shower then fixed a cup of tea and sat down to call Alex. She took a deep breath and dialed her number, a little disappointed when she didn't answer. Not about to give up she called Robert's home number. When the elder Cabot answered he still sounded like the protective father but at the same time Olivia was pretty sure he was smiling. She nervously played with her necklace as she waited for Alex to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Olivia sighed, she had been terrified Alex would change her mind and not talk to her.

"Hi." Alex wiped her eyes to stop the tears that were threatening, God she missed that voice.

They talked for a bit both able to tell that the other had spent another sleepless night. The conversation flowed easily but was left to basic, everyday topics. Neither brought up their breakup, and whether or not it would remain temporary or become permanent.

"Could I take you to lunch today?" Olivia held her breath as she waited for an answer.

Alex bit her bottom lip as she debated her answer. She had spent the night before trying to sort out her feelings and what she would do if Olivia wanted to meet again. "Um, sure."

Olivia wondered if that was hope she had heard in the blonde's voice. "Okay. I'll pick you up at noon."

"I'll see you then."

"I love you."

Alex closed her eyes "I love you too." She replied before hanging up.

After hearing those words Olivia did a small victory dance.

After hanging up Alex turned to see Robert standing in the kitchen doorway. "Eavesdropping?"

Robert chuckled "No, I was just coming in to feed Max." he said as the dog wandered over to Alex wanting to be pet. "How'd it go?"

Alex hopped up on the counter and sipped her coffee. "She asked me to lunch, and I said yes."

"That sounds nice." He knew his daughter was dancing around the question she really wanted to ask, what she should do. While they'd had several conversations over the past five days she'd been with him she had never asked that specific question. He knew she'd asked Lori and her sister told her flat out to move on. It wasn't that Lori didn't like Olivia, she loved the brunette same as he did, but she was very protective of her big sister. He leaned back against the counter opposite the woman and eyed her carefully, the wheels in her mind were turning so fast he could almost smell smoke.

"What should I do Dad?" Alex kicked herself for suddenly sounding like a child.

Suddenly he wasn't a father talking to his adult daughter, he was a dad talking to his little girl. "Well sugar bear," Alex grinned at his nickname for her. "I can't tell you what to do I can only give you my opinion. I told Olivia that if you asked I would be honest with you. I hate seeing you hurt like this, and I told her that. I also never want to see you hurting like this again. Now when it comes to the two of you, I think you're good together. I have never seen you as happy as you are with her, at least until the last several months. I think she's a good person and I also think you're meant for one another." He sighed and noticed the tears forming in her eyes. "Every couple has their ups and downs but you have to decide if it's worth trying to repair the damage. What it comes down to is you need to follow your conscience and more importantly your heart. If your heart tells you that it can't do this and that moving on is what's best then that's what you need to do." he walked over and smiled when she wrapped her arms around him "No matter what you decide I will support you completely."

"Thank you Daddy."

Olivia took her time carefully selecting her outfit. She knew she wouldn't win Alex back based solely on her outfit but she viewed this as a date, a first date, and she wanted to look her best. She chose her best fitting jeans and a deep purple shirt, knowing Alex loved the color on her. She finished off her outfit with the diamond pendant Alex had given her on her first birthday they spent together and the leather jacket she'd given her the Christmas before.

Olivia didn't drive her car that often but decided she would today, considering how much Alex loved it. She parked at the end of the street, grateful for the short walk allowing her time to calm her nerves. She walked up the steps and took a deep breath before ringing the bell.

Robert answered the door and has to hold back a laugh at how nervous Olivia looks. "Come on in Olivia."

Olivia was pretty sure she was more nervous now than she was on her first date. She looked to Robert for any sign of how things were going. While his expression was kind he had his best poker face on, but as they heard Alex's footsteps on the stairs he gave her a knowing smile.

Olivia was sure she stopped breathing when Alex stopped in front of her. "Hi." She breathed out. Alex was wearing jeans with a cream colored sweater, the same sweater she had given her for Christmas, and a scarf. Alex had her hair pulled into a ponytail and was wearing her glasses. Olivia began tearing up at how beautiful her partner truly was. She stopped for a moment and wondered if she was still able to call Alex her partner. "You look beautiful." She said as she handed over a bouquet of lilies, knowing they were Alex's favorites.

"Thank you." she looked the brunette up and down, she loved how in the last couple year or so she had allowed her hair to grow out. "You look beautiful too." Alex turned and handed the flowers to her dad and asked him to put them in water for her.

As they walked down the steps Robert stepped outside "You two have a nice afternoon."

Alex turned and smiled "We will."

"You brought the mustang." Alex said as she caught sight of the classic car at the end of the street.

"I figured it would be better than taking a cab." Olivia's breath hitched when she felt Alex loop her arm through hers as they made their way down the street. Olivia knew she had a lot of work ahead of her but her heart soars at the feeling of Alex's arm around her own. She glances sideways and notices the small smile on Alex's lips, causing a smile of her own to break out.

Alex knows they still have a long road ahead of them but she feels lighter than she has in months. Her heart is still damaged but the walls she built around it in the past week have finally crumbled and it feels as if her heart is beginning to mend itself.

As they walk down the street they unconsciously move closer together, both wearing matching smiles. As Olivia stopped to open the passenger door they simply stared at one another for a moment. Olivia had the overwhelming urge to kiss the woman in front of her but she resisted. She didn't want to push.

They drove in silence to one of Alex's favorite restaurants.

"This place has the best stuffed French toast in the world!" Alex exclaimed as they placed their order.

"I know you love it, that's why I figured we would come here."

They made small talk through most of their lunch, both avoiding the elephant in the room that was their relationship. They were almost done when Alex's phone rang. Olivia could tell by the look on her face she was not happy with what the caller was saying.

"Yes Lori, I know." Alex rolled her eyes, she loved her younger sister but sometimes she was the epitome of a younger sister, always annoying her. "Last time I checked I was an adult and free to make my own decisions." Alex wished she had never answered. She was also ready to strangle her dad for telling Lori that she was out with Olivia. "I have to go but I will be calling you later." Alex growled as she hung up.

"I take it she's not happy that you're with me?"

"She'll get over it." Alex sighed "She's just worried about me."

"Tell me about it." Olivia said.

After lunch they parked the car and decided to take a walk through the park. They finally stopped and took a seat on a bench in a quiet corner of the park. "I'm so glad you came out with me today."

"So am I." Alex said as she turned to face the brunette better. "Earlier when I was on the phone with Lori I could see a look in your eyes, what was it?"

"It was nothing."

Alex reached out and squeezed her arm "Olivia this is what got us in this mess in the first place."

Olivia sighed "I know she is just looking out for you because she called me a couple nights after you left."

Anger flashed across Alex's face "What did she say?"

Olivia gave her a sad smile "Nothing that wasn't true. She basically told me that I had hurt you, a lot, and that she felt that you needed to move on from me."

"I'm going to kill her." Alex said as she grabbed her phone.

"Alex don't." Olivia said as she placed a hand on her arm "She was just looking out for you."

"It still doesn't give her the right to blast you."

Silence settled between them again as they listened to the birds and the sounds of children laughing in the distance.

"I know I've said it a lot but I really am sorry. If I had just paid attention to you none of this would've happened." Olivia's breath caught when Alex reached out and wiped her tears.

"Olivia as much as I want to blame you I can't blame you for everything. I could see you were withdrawing into yourself. I should've done something." she shrugged her shoulders "I guess we're both to blame."

"Me more so than you, but I think you're right." Could this really be happening, Olivia wondered. Were they beginning to make progress?

"Olivia what happened? What is going on with you?" it wasn't accusatory it was concern.

"I don't know Alex. I mean first Elliot retired with no warning, and he still won't talk to me. Then not only did we have to break in two new detectives, I had to break in a new partner. The cases just seem to get more heinous. I…I guess I was just wallowing in my own self-pity so much that I couldn't see that I was ignoring you and the damage it was doing to you." she sighed as she looked off into the distance before turning back to the blonde. "I sat thinking the night you left about how I knew so much about you, all your favorite things, your life story, and then I realized that I was no longer paying attention to what mattered most. It's not how many times you've seen The Breakfast Club, or the fact that you know every song from Grease by heart." Both smiled at that. "What matters is you, your hopes, and your dreams. I want to be there and share your happiness and when you're sad I want to be the one to take your pain away." Once again they were both crying. "Alex I screwed up big time and I am sorry."

Alex squeezed her hand "I'm sorry too."

They sat in silence for a bit longer, both lost in their own thoughts.

As the air grew cooler they decided to head back to Robert's. Olivia still wasn't sure where they stood relationship wise and little did she know Alex was having the same thoughts. Alex wanted to try, God she really wanted to try, but she had never known her heart could hurt like it did. Her mind wandered back to the night before when she was lying in bed thinking about their situation. She knew what they had was real because no one had ever, or would ever, have the power to break her heart like Olivia. It was true love.

Olivia parked in front of the brownstone but neither made a motion to move or say anything. She could tell Alex was thinking but was afraid to know what she was thinking. After a few more agonizing moments she decided to speak. "I had a very nice time today."

A small smile spread across Alex's lips "So did I." she turned to face Olivia "I really am sorry for whatever it was my sister said to you. I'm going to talk to her."

"Don't worry about it Alex, she didn't say anything that I didn't deserve. I don't want you two fighting because of me."

Alex nodded, but they both knew that Lori would be receiving a very heated phone call from her older sister later that evening.

Olivia turned better in her seat "Alex I know you have a lot of thinking to do but I want you to know I am serious about us being together."

"I know you are. I couldn't believe you went as far as to write a resignation letter." She said with a bit of a smile. It meant the world to her that Olivia was that committed to them being together again.

Olivia turned serious "I turned it in." if it wasn't such a serious moment she would've laughed at the expression on Alex's face, her eyes were wide as saucers. "After I left last night I went by the precinct and left it on Cragen's desk. I told you I was serious."

"No Olivia, I won't have you giving up a career that you love and that you are damn good at, especially for me. Now if you want to leave for you then fine but if you are leaving solely for me then I want you to take it back."

"All I want is you."

"Then take the letter back. If the only reason you did it was to get me back then don't resign." She noticed the hesitancy in Olivia's eyes. "Olivia promise me!"

"I promise. I'll take it back first thing tomorrow morning."

After a few minutes of tense silence Olivia got out and walked around and opened Alex's door. They walked quietly up the steps and stood facing one another, both were trying to figure out what to say.

"Today was nice."

Alex nodded "It was."

Olivia hated the situation they found themselves in, dancing around one another, trying to figure out what to say. She hated feeling awkward around the one person she loved more than anything. "I know our schedules can change at the drop of a hat but could I take you lunch again tomorrow."

"No."

Olivia had to hold back the tears, she thought for sure they had made progress today. She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and was turning to leave when she felt Alex gently grab her arm.

"I have a couple meetings tomorrow afternoon so I'll just grab something quick in my office." She smiled slightly "I'm free for dinner though."

Olivia looked up in surprise but began smiling as she saw the look in Alex's eyes, it looked like hope. "I'd love to take you to dinner."

"Are you sure the perps will allow that?" she said with a hint of laughter.

Olivia's smile grew wider "I promise you, we will be going to dinner tomorrow evening." she wanted to kiss Alex so bad she couldn't stand it. It had been over a week since she had kissed the blonde, and even longer since they had shared a real, loving kiss. As bad as she wanted it though she didn't want to push.

Alex's mind was racing it was either build the walls around her heart and never allow it to be broken again or open her heart. She knew what she wanted. Alex took a small step forward and took Olivia's hands into her own. "Olivia Benson, I love you more than anything in the world."

Olivia saw Alex's tears and could feel her own "I love you too Alex, God you have no idea how much I love you." this time there was no holding back as she leaned forward and lightly pressed their lips together. It was wonderful and amazing all at the same time. The flood gates opened though when she felt Alex kissing her back.

In one fluid motion they slid close until their bodies were pressed together, Alex sliding her arms around Olivia's waist and Olivia's arms sliding up behind Alex's neck. The kiss grew deeper with each passing moment, it was slow, passionate, soul searching and most important loving. They could taste one another's tears as they cried harder. This was right, this was the way it was supposed to be. This was love.

When they finally broke apart for air they rested their foreheads against one another's. Olivia lightly running her fingers through Alex's hair while Alex ran her hands up and down Olivia's back. The only sound was their breathing and both repeating 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

They wiped one another's tears before sharing one last chaste kiss.

"I really should get inside. I have arraignment in the morning." Alex whispered.

Olivia nodded "Me too, I need to beat the captain to the precinct in the morning." She stepped back but pulled Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it "I love you."

Alex leaned in and kissed her cheek "I love you too."

Olivia turned and walked back to her car, turning and waving before climbing inside. She couldn't wipe the smile off her face, yes they still had a lot of work to do but this was really happening.

Alex stood on the steps and watched Olivia until she made the right at the end of the street. She was still hurt but things were changing.

That night as they both lay in bed, alone, both were nervous but happy. While there was distance between them geographically, the distance between them emotionally was growing smaller. Just like she had since the night Alex left Olivia fell asleep holding the blonde's shirt and staring at her picture on her bedside table.

Several miles away Alex lay in bed in her dad's spare bedroom, clutching a worn NYPD t-shirt that smelled like Olivia while looking at a photo of the two of them. As angry and hurt as she was the day she left, she was surprised when she opened her suitcase to find one of her partner's shirts. She had slept with it every night.

Little did they know they both fell asleep feeling lighter than they had in months. Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: We have come to the end of this little journey. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to read as well as review, thank you also for the favorites and follows. I have began the next chapter of Through the Years so it will hopefully be up in the next few days. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy!**

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It had been two years since the day Alex walked out of their apartment. Two years of tears, therapy and talking; but there had also been happiness, laughter and most importantly, love. When Alex agreed to have lunch with Olivia she wasn't just agreeing to lunch, she was agreeing to a second chance. Olivia gave her all in showing Alex how much she meant to her. She would stop by her office for lunch, call her just to see how she was, and leave the precinct as soon as possible. While Alex was a little concerned about going back home to soon Olivia told her that if she felt she needed time she would respect it. Alex spent another week at her dad's before coming home. The day she decided to come back Alex didn't tell Olivia, she decided to surprise her. Olivia walked into the apartment at a little after seven and began sobbing as soon as she saw Alex sitting on the sofa going over files. It was also that night that while neither of them liked the idea of therapy they both agreed that talking to someone couldn't hurt, it turned out to be one of the best decisions they ever made.

Olivia stood in the doorway of their bathroom and watched Alex as she lay in bed staring out the window. It was a week before Christmas and a light snow was falling outside. While Olivia had never really looked forward to the holidays until she and Alex began dating, she knew this was going to be the best Christmas she had ever had. Olivia was pulled from her thoughts when she heard Alex's voice "I'm sorry?"

"It's snowing." Alex said as she rolled to face the brunette. Things may have been difficult between them for a while but Alex knew they were now stronger than they'd ever been. She smiled as she watched Olivia push herself off the door frame and begin walking toward her, her hair was shorter than it had been in several years and she was wearing an NYPD t-shirt. Alex thought the brunette looked great in everything she wore, or didn't wear, but there was something about her in just a t-shirt.

Olivia walked around to her side of the bed and crooked her finger motioning for Alex to join her.

"It's cold Olivia." Alex groaned causing the older woman to laugh.

"Pleeeease?" Olivia begged as she gave her best puppy dog eyes.

"Ugh!" Alex said as she crawled across the bed, her own sleep shirt riding up causing Olivia's breath to catch. "This better be worth it."

Olivia took a deep breath as she hoped it would be. Once Alex was sitting in front of her Olivia dropped to her knees and took Alex's hands in her own. "I love you so much! I know I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you or your love but I am grateful every day for it." she began to tear up and just hoped she could finish what she needed to say "I hurt you and while I don't think I should forgive myself for what I did, I have finally forgiven myself because you have forgiven me. I will forever be grateful for you giving me a second chance."

Silent tears were now sliding down Alex's cheeks. No matter how difficult things had been between them she still couldn't believe she was willing to walk away from someone as wonderful as Olivia. "It was a second chance for me too."

Olivia smiled as she tried to keep the tremors from her hands and reached in her bedside table. She took one last breath before opening the small blue box she'd retrieved "Alexandra Marie Cabot, will you marry me?"

Alex gasped, both from the proposal as well as the amazing engagement ring. Tears were now streaming down her face as she tried to find her voice "Yes Olivia. Yes I'll marry you!" she said as she leaned forward and crashed their lips together.

Olivia laughed when they finally parted for air "Now that you've got that out of your system can I put the ring on you?"

Alex held her hand out as she struggled to wipe the tears that just wouldn't stop. Once Olivia slid the ring on, she placed a kiss to Alex's left hand. Alex held her hand up to admire her ring, it was gorgeous and had to have cost a small fortune. The ring was a one carat, Tiffany setting with diamond band. "Oh Olivia, I love it! It's so beautiful but it had to cost a fortune."

Olivia leaned in and kissed her again "You're worth it."

"Thank you, but seriously how did you afford it?"

Olivia chuckled as she rose up to sit next to her fiancé. Her fiancé, she never imagined she would get to call Alex that. "I've been saving up for a long time." Alex raised her eyebrows and asked for how long. "Since about a month after we started dating." She laughed at the surprised look on her face "I knew that soon that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I kind of lost my way a little along the way but I want this more than anything."

"Olivia we both lost our way. Maybe you didn't ask what was wrong but at the same time I never said what was bothering me." she leaned forward and pressed their lips together "But let's forget all about that now." She whispered against Olivia's lips. She grinned as she pulled back "I can't wait to tell my Dad when we go over for lunch." Every Sunday they tried to have lunch with Robert, and now that Olivia had been promoted to Sergeant and her hours were more regular it had become a family tradition.

"He already knows."

"What?"

"After Thanksgiving I told him I wanted to ask you and I wanted to know if I could have his blessing and support." She grinned "As you can see, he was okay with it."

Alex couldn't hold back any longer and pushed Olivia back on the bed, straddling her body and kissing her as she did so. How she ever got so lucky to have Olivia in her life she would never know. "We still have a few hours before we have to be at Dad's." she said as she began placing kisses along Olivia's neck.

Olivia ran her hands along Alex's thighs "Mmm, what do you have in mind?"

Just as Alex began running her hands across Olivia's torso a familiar cry came from the monitor on Alex's bedside table. Alex groaned as she dropped her head onto Olivia's shoulder "Your daughter's awake."

"My daughter? Why's she always my daughter first thing in the morning?"

"Because I'm not a morning person and she apparently is, hence she's your daughter." She laid there a moment as the crying stopped. She was hoping the infant had decided to go back to sleep and had just started moving her fingers along Olivia's sides when she heard the cries begin again.

Olivia chuckled as she pushed Alex off of her and stood, pulling Alex up with her "Come on, we need to tell our little girl that her Mommies are getting married."

The former spare bedroom was now decorated in soft pink's and white with a name spelled out in wooden letters painted a soft mint green. The room was now fit for a princess, their princess. Nearly eight months ago they began looking into adoption. They were surprised when a little over a month later a friend of Alex's, who was an adoption attorney, contacted the couple to see if they were interested in a private adoption. They met a sixteen year old girl who was pregnant and knowing she couldn't care for her child wanted to find the best home possible for her. While the adoption was private both ladies informed the girl that if she wanted to contact them to check on her child it would be okay. The young girl was grateful and said she would think about it. Alex did email her pictures once a month just so she could see that she was okay. The only response was always a thank you.

As soon as Olivia leaned over the crib the little girl began smiling. "Hi baby girl." To anyone who didn't know they would swear the six month old was Olivia's biological child, she had brown hair and eyes and her skin was just a shade lighter than Olivia's. Olivia picked her up and hugged her tight "How's my princess this morning?"

Alex leaned in and placed a kiss to the little girl's head causing her grin to widen "Hi Gracie." Little Olivia Grace Cabot Benson was the light of her mothers' lives. Both loved the name Grace but Alex had been dead set on naming her Olivia, especially after seeing how much she favored the brunette. It had taken a lot of talking, begging and pleading but she finally won.

Olivia changed her diaper while Alex went to prepare a bottle. This was one of the many reasons Olivia was grateful she had taken the sergeant's exam. Her hours had become more regular which allowed her to now be home with her family more often. On the weekends Olivia would get Gracie changed when she woke up and play with her while Alex prepared her bottle. They would then curl back in bed while Gracie ate and decide how they were going to spend their day.

"Are you ready to go see Grandpa today?" Olivia asked while Gracie sat in their bed playing with one of her toys. She looked up and smiled, showing off the few teeth she now had. Gracie loved her mommies but she loved her Grandpa too, and she had him wrapped around her little finger. Gracie was the first granddaughter since Lori had two sons but was now pregnant with a little girl.

"I'm so glad Lori's having a girl." Alex said as she entered the room "She and Gracie will be close in age and it gives them both a playmate."

Olivia took Gracie in her arms and settled her in with her bottle. After a few minutes of silence she spoke up "Wonder what Lori will think about us getting married?"

"She'll be happy. She's always liked you Liv." she grinned at the look the brunette was giving her "Okay there for a while she wasn't you biggest fan but she does love you. She was just looking out for me, same as I've always done for her." she began laughing "I remember once in high school, I was a senior she was a sophomore, I went into the bathroom and found her crying. I asked what was wrong and her best friend said it was because a guy she had gone on a date with was telling his friends all the things she did in his backseat. I stayed until she calmed down, then I saw red."

"What did you do?" Olivia asked.

"I walked over to the stadium where they were having football practice and stormed into the boy's locker room. A bunch of them told me to leave but I told them they didn't have anything I hadn't seen already. I walked right up to him, grabbed him by his shirt and slammed him against the lockers. I told him he needed to tell the truth about their date, my Dad had drove them to and from, my sister never set foot in his car. I then told him if I ever saw him near her again he wouldn't have to worry about a girl in his backseat because he wouldn't have anything between his legs. I kneed him in the crotch before my boyfriend ran over and pulled me off him."

Olivia stared at her wide eyed for a moment before looking to Gracie "And here everyone thought I would be the one your future boyfriend would have to look out for."

After she was finished eating Gracie sat between her mothers' while she played. Alex held her left hand out "Gracie, what do you think about Mommy and Mama getting married?"

Gracie grabbed her hand and toyed with the ring before smiling.

"I guess that means yes." Olivia said before kissing the girl on the head.

That afternoon as they were walking up the steps to Robert's home Alex turned to Olivia "So how do you want to announce this?"

"However you want to do it. Since Lori and her family are already here it would be kinda hard to hide your ring for very long."

"Good point." Alex said as they walked in the door. "We're here." She called out as she took Gracie's coat off.

"There's my little princess." Robert said as he entered the room and took Gracie from Alex's arms. The infant's face lit up, aside from her Mommies' her Grandpa was her favorite person in the world. He would often babysit to allow the couple an evening out.

Lori walked in and smiled at her niece before looking to Alex and Olivia "See I told you, once you have a kid they forget all about you." she began heading toward the dining room "Come on everything is ready."

Alex and Olivia entered the room greeting their brother in law David and hugging their nephews, Bobby and Carson. Olivia pulled the highchair that Robert kept over to the table and sat Gracie down before she felt Alex take her hand.

"Before we eat I have an announcement." She smiled at Olivia as she squeezed her hand tight "This morning Olivia asked me to marry her and I accepted."

A round of laughter and cheers rang out as everyone got up to congratulate the couple. Little Gracie not wanting to be left out laughed as she hit her hands against the table. Everyone went on about the ring and how beautiful it was. Olivia smiled as Lori hugged her "I knew you would come to your senses eventually."

Lunch was a lively affair with Lori, Alex and Olivia discussing wedding plans and Lori's upcoming baby shower while Robert and David discussed the Yankees and the boys kept Gracie occupied.

After a wonderful afternoon with family they decided to bundle Gracie up and take a walk around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights. Gracie loved to look at the lights on their Christmas tree, often times content to sit in the floor and simply stare at the tree. When they returned home they put Gracie through her bedtime routine which included her Mommies' giving her a bath then her bedtime bottle from Olivia while Olivia read her a story.

Olivia stood and walked the sleeping girl for a few more minutes to ensure she was asleep. Every night when she put Gracie down for bed she thought about how lucky she was to have the life that she did. She could feel tears prick her eyes at how close she had come once to never having this. A smile spread across her face though when she felt Alex step next to her and wrap one arm around her waist and place her other hand on Gracie's back. They each took turns kissing her goodnight before Olivia laid her down then turned on the monitor and her little night light before quietly slipping out.

They settled on the sofa wrapped in one another's arms. Alex looked down at her hand for what felt like the thousandth time that day and admired her ring. "Olivia this ring….it's amazing."

Olivia smiled as she ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "I didn't know what I was looking for I just knew I'd know when I saw it. I looked in the case and saw this one; it was beautiful, amazing, elegant and classy. Which are also words that describe you."

Alex leaned in for a kiss, their lips moving gently against one another before finally parting and tongues began sliding against one another. "I love you." Alex whispered against Olivia's lips.

"I love you too."

They settled down further onto the sofa. This felt right, this was the way it was supposed to be, lying in one another's arms with their little girl asleep down the hall. This was love. They lay silently in each other's arms, the only light coming from the tree and the only sound was their breathing and two hearts beating as one.


End file.
